Emotions then vs. nothingness now
So, “funny” thought.
I’ve been feeling reminiscent of all the feelings, especially the very negative ones, that I used to feel when I was much, much younger. It was such a strong drive, really. That burning rage, or a sense of injustice that back then was surely going to make me burst into flames and take the whole world with me (or so I thought).
It really did feel like it, wouldn’t you agree?
When you are young, even the most horrible despair doesn’t quite match the feelings that you are slowly getting used to experiencing when you grow up.
Back then it was love, or even LOVE!!!, and that “LOVE!!!” never needed anything, it even lived despite many things rooted in the real world. And now it’s what?…a calculated, correct attraction, at best?
Of course, it’s not just love, or pain, it’s any emotion, I think. Everything became duller.
Everything became much harder, life is harder, because it is much harder to feel anything.
Sometimes, you can go so deep, that any emotion starts feeling so distant, unreachable and you’re forced into this horrible isolation.
If you’re suffering right now, just try to repeat to yourself that whatever you’re feeling is so much better than this numbness and nothingness that those who hurt you most probably feel like all the time. Not saying that to make you feel sorry for them. Maybe only in an uplifting, cheap 2000s romcom happy ending - I feel sorry for you - kind of way.
But honestly, this complete numbness, often paired with a sense of paralysis that comes from indecisiveness that in its turn comes from…well I guess current structures that we live in…makes us heavily unhappy.